i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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