I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
