This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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