Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
