You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
