i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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