Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
