Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
apparently the secret to your success is patron
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
