Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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