Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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