my vag is so smooth its legendary
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
