You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
