Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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