Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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