it's too hot outside to masturbate.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
