i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
