he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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