Someone shit on the floor
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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