The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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