my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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