This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
