If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
