i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
