so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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