Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
