which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
