this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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