its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
