FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
