How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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