Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
