im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
