I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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