every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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