Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
