the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
