He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
