the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.