I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable