when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in