remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
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I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?