Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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