i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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