Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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