she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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