What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
