So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
