shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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