just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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