I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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