I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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