I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
