I met the friendliest cop last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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