Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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