he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
