cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
