Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
