I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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