I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
