I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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