Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
