I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
